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You are absolutely not going to be gaga over each other every single day for the rest of your lives, and all this ‘happily ever after’ bullshit is just setting people up for failure. They go into relationships with these unrealistic expectations. Then, the instant they realize they aren’t ‘gaga’ anymore, they think the relationship is broken and over, and they need to get out. No! There will be days, or weeks, or maybe even longer, when you aren’t all mushy-gushy in-love. You’re even going to wake up some morning and think, “Ugh, you’re still here….” That’s normal! And more importantly, sticking it out is totally worth it, because . . . in a day, or a week, or maybe even longer, you’ll look at that person and a giant wave of love will inundate you, and you’ll love them so much you think your heart can’t possibly hold it all and is going to burst. Because a love that’s alive is also constantly evolving. It expands and contracts and mellows and deepens. It’s not going to be the way it used to be, or the way it will be, and it shouldn’t be. I think if more couples understood that, they’d be less inclined to panic and rush to break up or divorce.
—Paula
In ancient times, people genuinely considered love a sickness. Parents warned their children against it, and adults quickly arranged marriages before their children were old enough to do something dumb on the back of their out-of-control emotions.
That’s because love—though able to make us feel giddy and high, as though we had snorted a shoebox full of cocaine—can also make us highly irrational. We all know that guy (or girl) who dropped out of school, sold their car, and spent the money to elope on the beaches of Tahiti. We all also know how that same guy (or girl) ended up skulking back a few years later feeling like a moron, not to mention broke.
Unbridled love like that is nature’s way of tricking us into doing insane and irrational things in order to remember to procreate. If we stopped long enough to think about the repercussions of having kids—not to mention being with the same person forever and ever—few would ever do it. As Robin Williams once said, “God gave man a brain and a penis and only enough blood to operate one at a time.”
Blind romantic love is a trap designed to get two people to overlook each other’s faults long enough to do some babymaking. It generally only lasts for a few years at most. That dizzying high you get staring into your lover’s eyes as if they are the stars that make up the heavens—yeah, that mostly goes away. Once it’s gone, you need to know that you’ve buckled yourself down with a human being you genuinely respect and enjoy being with, otherwise things are going to get rocky.
True love—that is, deep, the kind of abiding love that is impervious to emotional whims or fancy—is a constant commitment to a person regardless of present circumstances. It’s a constant commitment to a person who you understand isn’t going to always make you happy—nor should they!—and a person who will need to rely on you, just as you will rely on them.
That form of love is much harder, primarily because it often doesn’t feel very good. It’s unglamorous. It’s lots of early morning doctor’s visits. It’s cleaning up bodily fluids you’d rather not be cleaning up. It’s dealing with another person’s insecurities and fears even when you don’t want to.
But this form of love is also far more satisfying and meaningful. And, at the end of the day, it brings true happiness, not just another series of highs.
Happily Ever After doesn’t exist. Every day you wake up and decide to love your partner and your life—the good, the bad and the ugly. Some days it’s a struggle and some days you feel like the luckiest person in the world.
—Tara
Most people never reach this deep, unconditional love. They get addicted to the ups and downs of romantic love. They are in it for the feels, so to speak. And when the feels run out, so do they.
Some people get into a relationship as a way to compensate for something they lack or hate within themselves. This is a one-way ticket to a toxic relationship because it makes your love conditional—you will love your partner only as long as they help you feel better about yourself. You will give to them only as long as they give to you. You will make them happy only as long as they make you happy.
This conditionality prevents any true, deep-level intimacy from emerging, and chains the relationship to each person’s internal dramas.
Deciding what to do when you separate
Deciding what to do when you separate
When you separate from your partner, there are things you'll need to work out.
The partner you’re separating from could be your husband, wife or civil partner - even if you’re not divorcing or ending your civil partnership straight away. You need to have been married for at least 1 year before you can divorce or end your civil partnership.
It could also be a partner you live with or have children with, but who isn’t your husband, wife or civil partner.
When you separate from your partner, you might need to work out things like:
where your children will live and how often they’ll see the parent they don't live with
where you’re going to live
how to divide up any money or belongings you share
whether you’ll be able to afford to pay the bills once you’re living separately
If you’re in the UK as a dependant on your partner’s visa, you’ll also need to check if you can stay - check if you can stay in the UK on a visa after separation or a divorce.
Don’t feel pressured into a decision that’s not right for you. You’ll have a better chance of reaching an agreement if you wait until you’re ready to talk.
Important
Don’t try to agree what to do about your home without speaking to someone first.
If you’re a woman affected by domestic abuse, you can call Refuge on 0808 200 0247 or use the Women's Aid online chat at any time.
If you're a man affected by domestic abuse you can call Men's Advice Line on 0808 801 0327 between 9am to 5pm, Monday to Friday.
If you’re unsure about what to do next, contact your nearest Citizens Advice.
You don’t have to go to court to decide what to do when you separate unless you really can’t agree with each other.
It can be cheaper and quicker to figure out the arrangements yourselves, but even if you do agree, it’s a good idea to talk to a solicitor.
If you agree about your separation arrangements
You should write down what you decide. It can be in any format, but you might want to say that you agree to:
live apart
not annoy or harass your ex-partner
pay your ex-partner financial support or maintenance
pay child maintenance towards the cost of looking after your children
see the children on certain days
Once you’ve written down your agreement, it’s a good idea to talk about it with a solicitor. You can find a solicitor on the Law Society website.
You might be able to ask your solicitor to write your arrangement as a ‘separation agreement’.
You can get a separation agreement if you haven’t started to divorce or end your civil partnership. This might be because:
you and your ex-partner don’t want to divorce or end your civil partnership right now
you can’t get divorced or end your civil partnership yet - for example, because you’ve been together less than 1 year
A separation agreement is a good way of making sure you’re clear about the terms of your separation until you get divorced or end your civil partnership.
A separation agreement isn’t legally binding when you divorce or end your civil partnership.
This means you might not be able to make your ex-partner stick to something you agreed to.
However, during the process of divorcing or ending your civil partnership, a judge will normally recognise it as a formal agreement if:
it’s fair, and you and your ex-partner can show you understood what you were agreeing to - for example, if you got legal advice
it’s been drafted properly by a solicitor
you and your ex-partner’s financial situations are the same as when you made the agreement
A solicitor can then make your separation agreement legally binding by turning it into a ‘consent order’ - as long as both you and your ex-partner agree to do this.
If you can’t agree with your ex-partner
You should try mediation to see if you can reach an agreement with the help of a mediator.
A mediator is someone who can help you sort any differences you have with your ex-partner about money, property or children.
Mediation starts with a ‘mediation information and assessment meeting’ (MIAM). At the MIAM you’ll find out what mediation is and how it can help you.
You’ll have to go to a MIAM if you later decide to go to court. There are exceptions when you don’t have to go to a MIAM first - for example, if you’ve suffered domestic abuse.
If you and your ex-partner don’t try mediation or it doesn’t work, it’s best to speak to a solicitor if you still can’t agree. You should also speak to a solicitor if you had an agreement but it’s broken down.
You might need to go to court so that a judge can decide for you, but a solicitor will be able to advise you on what to do next.
You can find a solicitor on the Law Society website.
It’s best to keep arrangements about children informal if you can.
This is because courts normally won’t decide who a child lives or spends time with if they think the parents can sort things out between themselves. This is known as the ‘no order principle’.
However, you’ll normally need to go to court if:
you’re worried about your children’s safety
you or your children have experienced domestic violence
you feel vulnerable or controlled by your ex-partner
you’ve tried mediation and still can’t agree
your ex-partner won’t let you see your children
You're both responsible for the cost of looking after your children after you separate - even if you’re not married or in a civil partnership.
If you’re the parent who moves out, you might have to pay maintenance to the parent who looks after the children.
It’s usually best if you can arrange this between yourselves - this is called a ‘family based child arrangement’.
You can find out more about making a child maintenance arrangement on GOV.UK. If you’re finding it hard to come to an agreement, you can use a family mediator.
If you can’t come to an agreement yourselves, you can use the Child Maintenance Service on GOV.UK. You’ll have to pay a fee to apply.
Read more about child maintenance.
There are very few circumstances where your partner can make you leave your home. They can’t change the locks or force you to leave, so try to take time to figure out what you both want and need.
Read what to do if your partner is trying to force you to move.
Normally, you’ll need to decide whether:
one of you stays in the home while the other moves out
you both move out and end your tenancy, or sell your home
one of you buys the other out so they own the home
you both stay in the home and live separate lives
What you do will depend on what you can afford and whether you’ve got children.
It might also depend on whether you have rights to stay in the home after you separate.
Read more about what happens to your home when you separate.
You and your ex-partner might be able to agree between yourselves how to divide your money. Even if you do, it’s a good idea to talk to a solicitor once you’ve decided what you want to do.
When you’re deciding how to divide your money, you’ll need to work out how much money you have in bank or building society accounts, savings or investments.
You’ll also need to include any debts you share, like credit cards or loans.
Find out how to divide your money and belongings when you separate.
If you’re married or in a civil partnership you can ask for financial support from your ex-partner as soon as you separate. This is known as ‘spousal maintenance’ and is a regular payment to help you pay bills and other living costs. You can't get spousal maintenance if you weren't married or in a civil partnership.
Find out how to arrange spousal maintenance.
You might also be able to get help paying your rent or mortgage.
If you pay council tax, you should tell your local council - you’ll pay less if you live on your own.
You’ll also need to tell your local council you’ve separated if you get Housing Benefit or council tax reduction.
If you get benefits, being part of a couple might affect how much you get. You should tell the office that deals with your claim that you've separated as soon as possible - most benefits have a 30-day deadline.
If you get tax credits, you should tell the HMRC within 30 days.
You’ll usually need to talk to a solicitor at some point during your separation. To help keep your legal bills down, you should:
try to agree as much as you can with your ex-partner before you go to a solicitor
read as much as you can about separation - you could look online or go to the library
find out if any solicitors near you offer free advice
ask your solicitor if they’ll work for a fixed fee - this way, you’ll always know exactly how much you’ll have to pay
Read more about the help you can get with legal costs.
You might be able to get legal aid to pay for mediation when you separate, but it’s hard to get it for solicitors' fees - even if you’re on benefits.
You can usually only get legal aid if you or your children have been victims of domestic abuse. Domestic abuse includes controlling behaviour, like stopping you from withdrawing your own money.
Check if you can get legal aid on GOV.UK.
You can start to divorce or dissolve your civil partnership if you’ve been married or in a civil partnership for at least 1 year.
When you divorce, it will help if you and your ex-partner have already agreed what will happen to your children, money and property.
If you don’t agree, you might need to go to court so a judge can make a decision about what you should do. This is known as a ‘court hearing’.
You can find out ways to end your marriage or civil partnership.